Bad movie remakes, like extras in a cheesy disaster flick, are too numerous to count. In compiling my list of the 10 worst remakes ever, I just didn't know where to start: There's such an embarrassment of, well, embarrassments. So with that said here is my nominees for the "Ed Wood Award" for personal uncreativity.
10. Godzilla (1998)-A movie about a badly lit big loud lizard in a dumb suit that said nothing unlike the origional 1950's version that represented the atomic and post-atomic experience in Japan.
9. The Longset Yard(2005)- The 1974 Burt Reynolds classic "The Longest Yard" (directed by Robert Aldrich) presented a disgraced pro football wash-up Paul Crewe as so laughingly cynical that, in the film's first five minutes, he's committed violence toward a woman, stolen her car, punched out two cops and been sent to a Texas prison. Adam Sandler reprises the swaggering Reynolds role and turns "The Longest Yard" into "The Waterboy: Part II". There's no excitement for the football game (the guards vs. the prisoners), there's no human dimension and, more importantly, no real anger.
8. Rollerball (2002)- The 1975 James Caan picture was sociologically, politically and personally intriguing and, in many ways, well ahead of its time. So in our current reality-television, extreme-sports addicted culture, a new "Rollerball" showed room for both improvement and enlightenment right? So Obviously wrong, as this mess stains my list. Taking on the gladiator-like sport of Rollerball in, ohhh ... the year 2005, where we revel in the violence and cheer on the players' demise (well, the characters are supposed to anyway), the film went absolutely nowhere except on numerous trips to the editor. Never have we seen a film with so many terrible action cuts. You can't even get into the game. It's such a waste.
7.Swept Away(2002)- Swept Away is one of the most ill conceived remakes ever made. A Italian director Lina Wertmüller's 1974 sex, sand and politics art-house shocker "Swept Away ... By an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August," is a must see film. Then Madonna came along. The "no good material girl" turns in one of the worst acting performances ever. Most of the blame for this schlock goes to the terrible script and Madonna's hubby, director Guy Ritchie, who is so out of his element here, he flails as much as his wife does stumbling through the sand. Madonna gets slapped around a lot in this picture, but honestly, Mr. Ritchie should have taken some blows.
6.The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)-A low-budget masterpiece of true horror and cinematic artistry, Tobe Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is renowned for its petrifying tension, inventive camerawork, above-par acting (for a B picture; it's both understated and perfectly over-the-top) it's a work of unparalleled brilliance that for some ridiculous reason Hollywood had to tool with. Thank you, producer Michael Bay! They set the remake back in 1973 (Why?).Director Martin Nispel shoots the picture like a video game and amps the gore content for the teen crowd, which goes against the very reason the original "TCM" was so terrifically horrifying: You're so scared, you almost forget how relatively bloodless the film really was. This film is just a bunch of cheap scares and jump cuts and a complete waste of time for horror movie fans.
5.You've Got Mail (1998)- "You've Got Mail" is adapted from the very charming, incredibly sweet and lovingly romantic 1940 classic "The Shop Around the Corner" starring Jimmy Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. Where, in the original, the two opposites unknowingly court each other through a lonely hearts club, the remake has Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks corresponding through e-mail. Though the e-mail concept is contemporary, the love story plays corny and predictable. Worse, the message of supporting Ryan's cute little independent book store (The Shop Around the Corner) is swallowed by the movie's obnoxious use of product placement via the continual use of AOL and well, the title of the movie. It's tantamount to a movie being entitled "Got Milk?" Ugh -- this should have been called "The Schlock Around the Corner."
4.King Kong (1976)-Without a doubt, this update is one of the worst remakes and most painful viewing experiences. I don't know what was worse, the over-acting, the hokey dialogue, the wafer thin plot or the pathetic special effects. How Jessica Lange got hired again after her performance here is a miracle. Granted it was her first movie and it can't have been easy acting opposite an animatronic ape.
3.Psycho (1998)- The shot-for-shot remake of Psycho is, easily, the greatest exercise in inanity imaginable. First, the film is a CLASSIC, inarguably one of the most culturally referenced and widely seen films ever. It is also considered by many to be a masterpiece. It was in many ways revolutionary for its time and for cinema, given that it switched protagonists and had some unique photographic techniques. This is also the calling card film of a truly master craftsman, director Alfred Hitchcock. The idea that this film needed to be remade in any fashion is absurd. And yet, it was. Shot for shot. Literally shot for shot, with much weaker actors. Also, in color. I kid you not. Who on earth thought this would be saleable? You can pop a much, much better version into your DVD player for two bucks. Pointless. Mr. Van Sant is a mediocre filmmaker who sometimes rises above that station, but this was a peculiar indulgence of utter stupidity. Ugh.
2.Planet of the Apes(2001)-Tim Burton decided the 1968 sci-fi classic was in need of updating and turned in this simian stinker. Mark Wahlberg is no Charlton Heston and his portrayal of astronaut George Taylor who somehow ended up on a planet where apes ruled and humans were hunted for sport, is truly bad! What made it even worse was that Burton admitted that it wasn't meant to make any sense in the first place!
1.Herbie the Love Bug(2005)- Michael Keaton plays Lindsay Lohan's father in the Walt Disney Pictures remake of "The Love Bug" titled "Herbie: Fully Loaded." The original film in 1968 told the story of a Volkswagen named Herbie who had a mind of its own. The movie spawned a number of sequels. The modern version with Lohan will be set in the world of NASCAR. I suppose there are worse ways to spend an evening than in the company of this cast and the R2D2-like automobile, but I don't need a root canal. One of many annoying things about this film like this that there's no suspense. It's anti-climactic since we know what the result has to be. There's no mystery, and only the most skilled director can invest this event with energy. Angela Robinson is not up to the task. The lengthy Nextel Championship NASCAR race that represents Herbie: Fully Loaded's final lap is plodding. It's duller than watching a crash-free car race on television.
Dishonourable Mentions:
House of Wax(2005)-The only good thing about this movie is that Paris Hilton dies early in the film.
Bewitched(2005)-Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman are too talented for this kind of fluff.
The Bad News Bears(2005)-Does anybody else wish Greg Kinnear would just go away.
Oh and if these movies aren't bad enough there is rumored remake of "The Birds" by Michael Bay who brought you pieces of garbage like, (2005) The Island, (2005)The Amityville Horror and (2003)The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Please! I beg! from the caves of schlockdom, and the lady of smelly cheese herself, 1990's fitness and diet guru 'Susan Powter' I say unto you, "Stop the Insanity!"
Later,
Kenaz
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